I am trying to incorporate green juice, green smoothies, and raw fruits, veggies, and salads into my day, and some days are wonderful in that respect and I give myself a pat on the back, but others I am lucky to get anything green in and feel fortunate just to get some fresh fruit down my gullet.  I am really trying to make conscious choices about what I am putting in my mouth, but I have definitely had plenty of days of “medicating” myself with other STUFF I won’t even mention. 

I am amazed at how sensitive my body has become.  For instance, the INSTANT  I eat something less than desirable, even something as seemingly benign as eggs and toast, I feel like my whole stomach is weighted down with bricks and I feel my energy levels depleting with even the first few bites.  Oh and the DETOX!  I don’t know if this has been detox, or emotional stress and trauma, or  hormones going crazy, or what, but I have had some bizarre goings-on with my body! 

Here are a few of the things i have dealt with in the past few weeks:

• MAJOR breakout of cystic acne that simply would NOT heal- I have not dealt with anything like this for AGES!  if ever!
• Rosacea-like flare up- red, itching, burning on my face/cheeks
• Itching all over my body and head, especially at night
• Emotional mood swings- get teary eyed at the drop of a hat over the simplest things, like my kids coming home from school and just saying, “Hi Mom!”    The love I felt would overwhelm me and the tears would just well up!   Or at the other end of the spectrum, I have gotten flaming raging mad over someone not going fast enough for my liking while driving and I even HONKED at someone (gasp!)– and I am NOT a honker!  I am totally AGAINST honking! 
• Very sore and painful breasts/nipples– now, what is up with that????    It almost seems mostly hormonal.  Gosh, if this is menopause, I am very frightened!  What more to come??  Do I even want to know?

Now, for what I REALLY wanted to talk about- LABELS!!   To start, let me share with you MY LABEL.

  It seems that I am A BETRAYER.  I am A CHEATER.  and you know what they say about cheaters,, right?  “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”   It has also become evident that with this label, I also get the labels of being SELFISH, and of WEAK MORAL CHARACTER.   Because come on now, really??? what kind of person would choose to step outside of their marital vows and engage in sexual acts with a person other than their spouse?   What OTHER reason could there be for infidelity except for pure selfishness and weak moral character?

Is this who I AM now?   How I am forevermore defined?  According to some, I guess it is.  Certainly, according to my husband it seems to be his new defintion of me.  There can be no fruitful discussion because really, all it comes down to is the fact that I CHEATED.   That is all that matters.  And now this is my new label- A CHEATER.

Don’t get me wrong.  I made a very bad choice.  I made a huge mistake.  and I do accept full responsibility for my choice.  I have no excuses.  I can blame many things- but the bottom line is, when it came right down to it, I made the choice to have sex with another man.  and now I am forever deemed as A CHEATER.  Totally disregard the 15 years of absolute faithfulness, because now I am defined by 3 days. 

Does that mean that when my husband screamed at me at me or called me A BITCH, humiliating me in front of his friends, that he is A TOTAL DISRESPECTFUL ASSHOLE?    A WOMAN HATER?  A PERSON WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS?  Should he be confined to those labels  forevermore?  Or how about a girl who has a lot of sex?  Is she a SLUT?  A WHORE?  Or, how about a parent in the store who loses their temper with their child and yanks them out of the store, yelling all the way?  Is that person A BAD PARENT? 

 This very thing  just happened to me today while I was in the parking lot outside the grocery store.   And because I just happened to be without my kids pushing my buttons, and in a calm peaceful mood,  it doesn’t mean I have any right to judge this woman being pushed to the limit by a crying raging 2 year old!    If I am honest, there were plenty of times I acted harshly with my kids, grabbing them by the wrist a little too hard, hissing venomous words into their ears.  The truth of the matter is that we all can be caught “with our pants down”, so to speak.  It just depends on the moment.   Think of your worst day, your worst most despicable unproud moment.  If someone took a video of you right in that moment, what would YOU be judged and labeled as by onlookers?  If you lose your temper with your child and you spank him too hard and he ends up getting a bruise on his thigh, does that mean you are a CHILD ABUSER?    Or did you just make a bad choice in a moment of weakness and vulnerability? 

How easy it is to judge others and stick labels on them.  Anything or anyone we see, we instantly try to either identify with it or condemn it.  Race, religion, sexuality,  the way we eat, spend money, learn things, you name it…we smack a label on it and tuck it away in a simple category in our egotistical and threatened minds that really do not have a freakin’ clue!!    The very act of putting a label on something or someone, by NAMING it, is what causes the conflict in the first place.!   But get this, anything we judge and put labels on, we are only understanding it from our limited frame of reference.  To truly understand, we must be willing to go beyond such a limited point of view governed by our scared and threatened egos.  How can we know what something IS from such a small scope?   There is so much we don’t know, don’t understand, don’t see, refuse to see.  DROP THE LABELS!!  That is how we can begin to REALLY SEE something.  By NOT NAMING IT! 

So, guess what???  I refuse to be labeled as A CHEATER.  That is not what I am.  That is not who I am now and it not who I will be in the future.  Don’t let yourself be defined by the labels other’s give you.  Make a conscious decision not to put labels on others.  Move beyond.  Be willing to expand your frame of reference.  Be willing to admit that you don’t have all the answers.  Let go off the compulsion to pass judgment out of habit.  Stop naming, just SEE.  that is all.

13 Days!  No Posts!  What do you suspect that means??  I’ll tell you what it means! It means those damn demons stayed WAY past their welcome (see previous post).   The past 2 weeks have been excruciatingly difficult.  Well maybe “excruciating” is a bit over the top as a descriptor, but they really have been DIFFICULT.   I can’t even tell you how many times in the past week I have had fantasies of escape. Just getting in the car and driving far, far away….. But, alas, I stayed put and endured.  It really would have been a fruitless endeavor to run away.  Where to?  Wherever I go, there I AM.  Coming face to face with your demons can be painful, but it is necessary and it offers FREEDOM.  By looking at the choices i have made that have sent me spinning out of control and by unveiling the negative patterns and the addictions that have  suffocated me, I begun the process of releasing their tenacious grip, and I can finally breathe.  It feels great! 

In each moment of every single day, we are presented with choices.  When we make the same choices over and over again, MINDLESSLY, we put ourselves in our own self-created prisons.  The crazy thing is that the whole time, we have the key to unlock the door to that prison and  simply… WALK AWAY.    For example, if you are a person who always gets angry and shouts and withdraws emotionally when dealing with conflict, you will continually reap the same inevitable consequence.  You will push people away from you amd then feel rejected and wonder why you don’t have more close, meaningful relationships.  But guess what???  There IS another choice.  You don’t have to withdraw emotionally when you are fearful or shout even if you are absolutely LIVID.   It is simply a choice.  Too many of us, me included, are making millions of choices each moment UNCONSCIOUSLY and we remain locked in our self-inflicted prisons with the keys dangling from our fingertips.  MAKE A DIFFERENT CHOICE.  and see what happens.    Be willing to take the blinders off, take the earplugs out and really SEE and really LISTEN.

In the past two weeks, I have seen up close and personal how my addictions and fears have had a stranglehold  on me for YEARS!  I see how I am addicted to altering my reality with food, sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and sometimes, other “substances”… I am addicted to drama and getting attention.  I am addicted to self deprecation,  telling myself I am unworthy,  incompetent, and ugly.  I have spent years discounting my unique and wonderful beauty, gifts, and strengths.  I am terrifed of growing old and losing  “IT”, not being attractive or sexually appealing- losing my “fuckability”,  to put it bluntly.  I realize how much of my experience has been wrapped up in these worthless externals that our warped society places such a huge importance on.  And that even though I vehemently oppose the LIE and tell my children to oppose and fight the LIE, I am a hypocrite.    I say how much I want to live in LOVE and to see the beauty in all living things, and be free from the pressures and expectations put on physical appearance,  but then I invest ridiculous amounts of money in the newest “anti aging” serums.  When I see an old person hobbling across the street, I desire to be infused with love and see the inner beauty of a wise old soul crossing my path and sometimes I really am, but more often than not, I feel pity and see saggy old boobs, decrepit limbs, age spots, and think, “OH MY God, that person will NEVER experience the joys of cunninglingus again!     I am struck with utter terror and panic, and all of a sudden feel an overwhelming desire to make a botox appointment!

Then…. I feel guilty. I feel upset with myself for not deriving my value and worth from a deeper, more authentic place.  Here I am, touting myself to be this spiritually seeking, evolved human being and I am shaking with fear ready to spend $500 I definitely DON’T have on an injection of Botulism into my muscles to make my wrinkles disappear for the next 3-4 months?   PURE INSANITY!!!!

I realize how much this fear and insecurity and ego based addiction has contributed to much suffering in my lifetime.  I see how it played a huge role in my choice to be unfaithful to my husband.  There were many other contributing factors, but this was a big one. 

It is soooo hard to admit this stuff!  It is humiliating!   But transformation cannot take place, until there is TRUTH.   I am sooo ready to unlock the prison door and just walk away……FREE AT LAST!

What choices are you making that are keeping you prisoner?  You got the keys, baby! USE THEM!

In the past couple of days, I have had some ugly and unwelcome visitors knock on my door.  Their shadows have darkened my doorway, and these guys really want to be heard!  

When your “demons” come knocking at your door, and you are forced to look at them head on, you have a few choices.  You can  A) completely refuse to acknowledge them, slam the door on their faces and just go on your merry way.  You go back into your “house of pain”,  keep doing what your doing, repeating the same patterns that continually wreak havoc in your life, your head firmly embedded up your ass. Or  B)  You briefly acknowledge them and become aware of their presence,  let them step a few feet in the door, yet proceed to quickly tuck them away under a carpet or in a shove them in a closet somewhere.  You try to go on your merry way, but the more they are ignored, the more they make their presence known, over and over again, often in unseemly ways.  The carpet is uncomfortably lumpy and impossible to walk on without stumbling- and often falling on your face.  And the closet?   Remember how Fred Flinstone used to open his closet and his bowling ball would always fall out on his head?  Well, in this case, the demons become like Fred’s  bowling ball, tumbling out of the closet at inopportune times, hitting you smack dab on the head repeatedly until the swollen lumps becomes so painful, you have NO choice but to pay attention, or C) acknowledge them, invite them in, offer beverages, and sit down for a good long chat, and be willing to communicate long enough to deal with some long festering ISSUES until finally amends can be made, hopefully once and for all.  Then, perhaps you can both take a load off,  kick up your feet and chillax for once!

For a long time, I was opting for choices A and B.  Choice A for a quiet awhile, and then in about 2001, I moved on to Choice B and finally,  starting in 2005 and 2006, until now, I have flirted with Choice C,  but really didn’t want those demons over and was very bedgrudgingly showing them any hospitality.  The tiny amounts of hospitality I did show was very obviously not genuine or warm-hearted at all.  It has  only been recently that I have let them in and have actually been willing to sit down with them for any length of time and proceed with any form of dialogue where my ears have actually been open and willing to listen to what they have to say. 

In the past few days, this dialogue with my demons has gotten pretty heated-  they REALLY want to be heard.  They are taking me and walking me into the mirror and forcing me to look good and hard.  Then they keep getting in my face and pointing their fingers at me, asking repeatedly “So, what do you see?”  I SAID, “WHAT DO YOU SEE?”    It looks like the demons have brought over some Humble Pie to share with me!  Turns out, they want me to eat a slice, or two, or ten- and they are demanding an honest answer.   

Well, I have made a conscious decision that I am  finally willing to give it to them.  Some of the things I am seeing in that mirror are very VERY difficult to face, and talk about.  But they tell me, if I face them long enough, then suddenly they won’t look so much like demons anymore, but just like regular folk who could possibly be friends… in time.

How do you choose to deal with your demons?  Choice A,  B, or C?  I encourage you to pick C.  I think that- eventually- with time, love, and patience, you will be really glad you did!  Let me know how the visit goes!  and I will definitely do the same!  Gotta go for now, my demons are shoving a knife and fork into my hands, forcing me to eat my sixth slice of humble pie.  My stomach hurts.

Another part of the movie I LOVED was the scene where he  had the surprise interview with the guy from Princeton who was witnessing all the “shenanigans” going on, and Joel (Tom)  tells him, “Sometimes you just gotta say WHAT THE FUCK!  Make Your Move.”    Since then, I have used that phrase multitudes of times!  I love that phrase.  It just makes you feel so GOOD, so FREE, so full of POSSIBILITIES!   It is like saying, “Screw the rules. Screw Expectations. Just GO FOR IT.”  And then, if you remember accurately, he did end up getting into Princeton after all! 

I have decided I am going to start saying this a lot more.  Maybe not to the faces of other people (that may come across as a little rude), but adopt it as an attitude towards those things that hold me back and scare me and keep me STUCK.  Like  learning something new that challenges me, or approaching someone I find intimidating about a job or networking opportunity, or going somewhere different, or hanging out with people that I may not usually seek out.  Just taking risks in general and challenging myself  to step out on a limb, away from my comfort zone.  I tend to play it way too safe sometimes, especially in situations where I could end up looking like an idiot, or be rejected, or look like an idiot and also be rejected.  Well, how can we have quantum leaps in our personal development and growth if we don’t say– WTF!  Make our move, and take some risks! 

Really, what would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail, wouldn’t be mocked, teased, or laughed at, wouldn’t be rejected, etc????  WHAT WOULD YOU DO?  What have you always wanted to try that you haven’t because of fear?  Public speaking, starting a business, jumping out of a plane,  traveling to another country by yourself, running for office,  walk around naked in the rain, make love on a real train?    What?  We all have SOMETHING!   Imagine how much you would grow and transform if you were willing to take a chance and do something that may just be a little crazy or off the cuff!  One woman’s blog I follow very regularly is Erin Pavlina.  http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/  Her blog is a fantastic resource for people interested in spiritual development.  Today she posted a blog about this subject and shared a video of her going to a shooting range!   Good for her!  I applaud her effort and her courage in trying something new! 

I am going to take action this week and do something that scares me.  I am just going to say What the Fuck and Make my move.  I will let  you know how it goes.

The Kidney Cleanse is progressing  very nicely.  

Today I had:

• Kidney Tea
• Big green smoothie with orange, strawberries, cherries, bananas, and loads of Swiss Chard with rice protein powder
• a huge salad with tons of greens, artichokes, tomatoes, red bell pepper, hemp seeds, and garbanzo beans
• Apples
• A little bowl of mushroom soup
• a box of Milk Duds-  oh, didn’t you know about the amazing healing and cleansing powers of Milk Duds??   (gives sheepish look and clears throat nervously as face reddens)

Why in the hell I succumbed to a freakin’ box of Milk Duds, I will never know!   I don’t want to know!  Just mooovin’ forward….no lookin’ back.

For exercise, I did weight training for an hour, and  I did meditation for 40 minutes today.  I even got my 13 year old son to join me for about 15 minutes and he actually liked it. He said he was imagining himself floating on a cloud.   Our blissful state was then very rudely interrupted by my 12 year old daughter screaming, “MOM!  The dog  just pooped on the stairs!”  It was like hearing that needle screeching across the record sound.  but worse.  From bliss to elbow deep in dog shit!   Ahhh, the wonders of life.

I have had to dig deep to muster the courage to write this blog post.  I am not entirely certain about WHY this is, but I am feeling fear and resistance in actually sitting in this chair, putting fingers to keys and putting out here what is on my heart.

  My ultimate desire in sharing my heart, sharing a glimpse into my life, sharing of myself, is because I want to add value to others’ own journeys.  It is my desire and prayer and intention that something i say would strike a chord within your own soul, that resonates within, that makes something inside of you wonder,  perhaps serving to wake some part of your SELF up that has been sleeping- and in the act of waking up even one remote and tiny part of your soul, that it stirs you to express your own highest self….and that the Collective Consciousness can be served to WAKE UP even more.   I feel it is my calling to be a part of this Waking Up.  It is Time. 

I feel very deeply that our Universe is in an accelerated place of AWAKENING and this awakening is crucial for our very survival.   I believe anyone that is even attracted to reading these words is doing so for a deeper purpose than just reading a blog from some random person doing a cleanse and dealing with the breakup of a marriage.    I don’t share to just babble on and on about my life, my woes, my fears.   Yes, they are expressed, but in that very expression, a momentum is created.  Even if just a minute ripple in the the Collective Consciousness is created, then it is worth it to me.  So incredibly worth it.

I have to say that what I am experiencing and taking in on a daily, moment by moment basis is utterly overwhelming  to me.  I am experiencing emotions at such levels of intensity that sometimes it can be frightening- LOVE, JOY, PAIN, LUST, PASSION, FEAR.  The difference now is that I am holding the difficult, painful, “negative” emotions in a space of love.  I am encompassing  them with a loving and nonjudgmental presence that I have never brought to my life before in this way.   And in doing so, I am experiencing a deep sense of wonderment, beauty and joy admist the pain and then the whole thing TRANSFORMS.  It is really quite beautiful.  It is something so new to me.  Perhaps in the past, just glimpses of this were experienced.  I don’t what has caused this shift, but I welcome it with open arms.

I have realized how much I cling so tightly to those things I think I need to be happy and to survive in this world.  I cling to the IDEA of love, the fairytale version that has never been anything but a pile of horseshit.   I cling to attention,  to my miseries.  Even those miseries that so obviously do not serve me, I cling to.  Why do I cling so hard to something that just brings me down?  Why do any of us do this?  Isn’t it because it brings us attention?   Just like a little child seeks negative attention through his tantrums and outbursts.  At least then he is getting attention, even if it is reprimands or time out, that is better than being ignored.  And being ignored may imply we are not really HERE, not really WHOLE, which of course is a big huge lie.  Because that child was never not whole.  From the beginnings, we create such a need in ourselves to be noticed.  So we go on about this and that drama, our illness, our pain, our injustices.  We gossip and judge and bite and devour one another.  But at least we get some attention!  Look at these STUPID reality shows!  Who the fuck really cares about the Kardashians wedding?  or Hulk Hogans family sagas?  It just gives attention!  and in our minds, when we are attended to then we EXIST.  We are UNIQUE.  We are very very SPECIAL. 

Think about it.  Our miseries make us special and don’t we all want to be special?  I am now fully realizing that when I allow my self-created miseries to make me special, it really just separates me from WHO I REALLY AM, which is perfect and whole and blissfully happy.    I love that expression “There is no way to happiness.  Happiness IS the way.”    That is a statement that rings with TRUTH.  Happiness just is. but it doesn’t create drama and stories and waves and conflicts where none are needed.  It just IS, doing it’s thing, not NEEDING and WANTING. 

Last night, my husband and I had an intense  and very much unplanned “encounter”, to put it lightly.  We happened to be in the house, same place, same time and our lust, passions, emotions, all surged together and all reason was cast aside and we spent the night together.   All emotions unleashed– hopes, hurts, heartaches, love, desire….fused together.

 But now what?  It doesn’t magically change anything.  In the morning, my husband said, “That probably wasn’t a healthy or a good idea, was it?”  I really just don’t want to have to label it as “Good”, “Bad”, “Healthy”, “Unhealthy”.    Maybe it is just best to let it be, without labels and filing it away in a category, which is always what we humans try to do.

He had to leave very early in the morning to go spend the day skiing with new friends and coworkers, which of course if I am being honest, makes my EGO feel very insecure.  I felt a deep pit of despair in side of my throat and my stomach, with him walking away.  The alarm clock went off and I felt actual nausea from a feeling of abandonment.   I just let it flow through me and I noticed how it took over and made me think all sorts of thoughts that served no purpose except to create fear.  But, fear of what?  I was not being abandoned.  I have never been abandoned, yet I have been dealing with this perceived feeling of utter and complete abandonment repeatedly in my marriage, and then projected it onto my husband, making him responsible for making me feel complete and whole and loved and worthy.  No one, NO ONE can fulfill that role for someone else.  If it is even expected, than real love cannot flourish.  I do not need the OTHER to be happy.  I need no external to be happy.  I don’t need to look outside of myself to be happy!  I just embrace happiness right now, just LET GO and I am happy.  It is our natural state!  Really!

I have been reading a book by Osho called “JOY; The Happiness That Comes From Within”.   I love Osho!  This man was an amazing messenger of TRUTH.    In this book, the question is raised:  “Should one first come to terms with one’s own loneliness before entering into a relationship with another?” and Osho responds like this:

“Yes, you have to come to terms with your loneliness, so much so the the loneliness is transformed into ALONENESS.  Only then will you be capable of moving into a deep and enriching relationship.  Only then will you be able to move into LOVE.  When you don’t NEED the other, you can love, and that love will not bring misery.  Going beyond needs, demands, desires, then Love becomes a true sharing, a great understanding.” 

THIS is what I desire.   I realize that in my marriage with my husband, neither of us have ever been at this point, and I also realize that I am no longer willing to be in a relationship that is not at this point.  I have to surrender to this truth.  So, I wave the white flag and I LET GO.  I let go of jealousy, of needing someone else to fulfill me, of expecting someone to behave in a certain way to make me happy, of possessing another human which in and of itself  can never be love.  The greatest gift I can give myself and give the person I love is to LET GO and just let it be and let it flow and trust in this.   I invite this loneliness to enter, and by and by,  in time, it will transform into ALONENESS, which is beautiful, fulfilled, and LACKING NOTHING. 

Is all this talk  too deep?   My goal for this blog is not to be heavy, but just to be real.  Right now, this is just where i am at so I just have to go with it.   Bear with me.  I am sure that soon I will be back to my normal, joking, lighthearted self.  Though  i am not really sure if “lighthearted” is how most who know me well would ever describe me.  I would certainly LIKE to be described as Lighthearted!  Ask my 16 year old daughter if she would describe her mom as lighthearted… I can just hear the sarcastic laugh and guffaws.  Right now, I will be content with saying it is a goal of mine to be Lighthearted!   Really, just the fact that I went on such a huge tangent on the subject shows how not lighthearted I am! 

I will start now and move on to lighter subjects, like My Kidney Cleanse. which i am starting today.  It is just after midnight  and upon awaking, I will begin.  Originally, the Kidney Cleanse was going to be Day 13-30 and the next Liver Cleanse from Day 31-42.  So, my plan now is do the Kidney Cleanse from Day 24 – 38 and then overlap the Liver Cleanse (drinking apple juice, eating tons of apples) from day 35- 42.  When you mess up, you just gotta make it work!  So, that there is the new plan!  And if i mess up the new plan I will just come up with another new plan, until it works!  So, goodnight for now.  Dreamland awaits.

Nevertheless, that is what is going on with me.  I am IN IT.  Remember the movie “Garden State” where Natalie Portman and the guy from Scrubs (his name is currently escaping me) are sitting in front of the big fire and she’s all, “You’re  IN IT, aren’t you?”   That is me. Totally IN IT.

My only means of survival is to just breathe, in out in out… and take it one moment at a time.  The key words here being – TAKE IT.  Take it all in. and rest with it. and roll it around on my tongue. and savor it.  chew it slowly.  and swallow it.  I cannot hide it or bury it or send it away UPS overnite.  I have to BE WITH every single emotion I am feeling without attaching ridiculous stories to it, like  the “oh, he just didn’t ever love me or understand me” story.  Or the “I just never felt safe” story.    I look back to my post a few days ago when I talked about how “Oh, he did me wrong at our wedding by shoving cake in my face, boo hoo…”  Well, that is the “My shitty ass husband is so bad cuz he shoved cake in my face” story.  and oh, poor poor me.   I am the  little innocent victim.   Oh, the stories we attach to our lives to make us feel SPECIAL.   God how we wallow in our stories! 

I really am ready to be done with it and take the air out of all my silly little stories that have kept me floating in the clouds way too long.  I am so ready to come down to Earth and put both feet on the ground and walk forward on my own accord, in my own power, without those sad and pitiful stories tagging along.  I caught myself just this morning talking to my brother in law and I said, “Oh it is just so scary and hard being a 43 year old woman, single, WITHOUT ANYTHING! ” 

And, just at that moment, the brilliant light of AWARENESS shone down and illuminated my story and BAM! All it’s power was instantly gone!  I caught myself, and said, “oh my god!  did you hear that story I just attached to myself?    It reminded me of those vampire movies where at just the last split second when the vampire is baring his fangs ready to embed into his victim and the hero comes to the rescue and starts breaking walls down so that the sun is streaming into the vampires face and the vampire is SCREAMING in pain, recoiling from the Light!  That is the image that came to me as I caught myself telling  this “I am so sad and destitute” story and oh aren’t i special?

and then….I just laughed.  because it was god-damned funny to bust myself like that.  HA! HA! EGO!   You are SO Busted! and I am onto you!

So, tell me…. what stories do you continue to tell yourself?  Which ones are your best buddies, like old comfortable friends?    Bring the light of awareness to those bad boys! and I promise they will GO AWAY with their tails between their legs!!  

Gotta tell ya.  I have not started the Kidney Cleanse yet.  I am going to start.  I have FULL INTENTION  to start.  I am just not quite ready yet.  My mental preparedness is not there just yet, but it is very very close.  In the meantime, I have been eating as well I as can muster the energy to do. 

Today, I had a vegetarian egg sandwich, a big tropical green smoothie, some pineapple….and that is it.

Yesterday, I had 2 plums, 2 apples, another big green smoothie with loads of superfoods packed in, and a bowl of blackeyed pea and kale soup.  

I am in a state of disarray.   I am staying at my sister’s house by night, my house in the day, lugging my dogs and all my shit back and forth, and diligently looking for employment so that I can eventually get a place of my own to lay my weary head. 

I am thinking about taking a few days and just hitting the open road.  I need SPACE.  I need BREATHING ROOM.  I need NATURE.  I need to get OUT of my head and into my body.  The one thing I took away from the all day meditation workshop I went to the other day(which was freakin awesome!) was this:  MORE ACTION. MORE BODY. AND LESS MIND. LESS THOUGHTS is the fastest way to live in peace bliss and enlightment.  MORE ACTION. LESS THOUGHTS = ENLIGHTENMENT!   Who knew it was that simple?

I was a little disappointed I didn’t get better results, but I guess I should be happy that there weren’t as many!  Seems a little foolish on my part to be disappointed to get LESS stones!  DUH!  But, the results were so unimpressive I decided not to post pics.  Too bad I didn’t keep my pics from the last cleanse I did– now that would’ve had you running for the toilet wretching from pure shock factor!  You’ll just have to do your OWN liver cleanse so you can see results up close and personal!  In fact, I would LOVE to hear about your results if you have done liver cleansing !  It would be great to hear your personal story and how it changed your health!  So, if ya got em’, please do flaunt em’!

My kidney cleanse started today will consist of :

• Eating as much raw food nutrition as possible with a focus on LOTS and LOTS of greens!
• An abundance of pure filtered water to flush kidneys
• Try desperately to be a good girl and limit my alcohol and caffeine consumption which has proven difficult lately
• Drinking a tea made of a blend of Kidney supporting herbs each day for the next 15 days.  I will let you know which herbs exactly are in the blend.  I ordered them from Andrew Moritiz’s resources in the back of his book, “The Miracle Liver and Gallbladder Cleanse”.   I will let you know in a later post the exact herbs, I just don’t have the book with me right now.    But, I can tell you that what you do with them is mix 3 tablespoons of the herbs with 2 cups of water and boil for about 20 minutes, then strain and drink on an empty stomach in 4-6 doses each day.  They taste really awful and nasty so it is a good thing to do in small doses!

Today I consumed:

• a big green smoothe made with bananas, goji berries, and chia with lots of spinach
• a big salad with a healthy dose of kelp and hemp seeds sprinkled in
• a baked sweet potato
• and dear lord please forgive me, a ….ohmygod, i don’t want to tell you….a…a…coke, fries, and fish filet at McDonalds!  EEEEKKK!  I am so embarrassed to admit that!  I am almost more embarrassed to admit that than to admit I am an evil adulteress! 

I only had about 1/2 of the sandwich,  2 small handfuls of the fries and less than 10 sips of the coke before getting so disgusted I threw it all away and resumed my sanity.  What can I say, I  a mometary lapse of cerebral functioning.  Marital breakups will sometimes do that to you.  and it was right after I took off my wedding ring.    I was in a stupor and state of panic.  Have you bought any of my excuses yet?  yeh. me neither.

I gotta say that I am incredibly grateful for the amazing outpouring of support I have received from friends, family, and total strangers!  I have been overwhelmed with how loving people have been and how they have wrapped me in their kind words in this incredibly difficult and emotional time.  So, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU!  I feel blessed.

I have to get up tomorrow at the crack of dawn.  I am very excited to attend an all day meditation program through the Life Bliss Foundation (www.lifeblissfoundation.org)   at 7:00 am. and going late into the night.  This comes directly from the site: 

In this program, one receives meditation techniques and concepts that prepare one’s body, mind and being to experience profound energy at a very deep level. It is a very profound and transforming experience.

Kalpataru Program provides energy to change what needs to be changed in one’s life and the intelligence to accept what need not be changed. This clarity guides one to tune blissful living and brings the being in tune with one’s own self.

Learn how to live a fulfilled life with more love, happiness and compassion. Kalpataru is being brought to the US for the first time during this tour.

No matter what, I am sure it will be an adventure and fantastic learning experience!  Remember my goal of DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT?!   I think this fits the criteria!  I will report back with all the juicy, blissful, details!

But seriously,  I should’ve known our story was flawed from the beginning when the ultimate wedding crime took place.  My husband shoved our wedding cake into my face instead of feeding it to me all lovingly, gazing deep into my eyes.  I need to release that because I am still really god-damned mad about that incident.  I had frosting in the deepest recesses of my nostrils.   I was snotting out white refined sugar crystals for weeks after the wedding.   Oh, boy, that is probably just the tip of the iceberg.  As I write this, it is becoming apparent that I need to get my hands on some SERIOUS divorce/break up music.  Got any good ideas?? besides the typical Joan Jett “I Hate Myself For Loving You” and “Love Stinks” and “I Will Survive”?  Honestly that music is far too benign for what I am looking for.

It looks like this liver cleanse is coming at exactly the right time!  Cleansing the liver purges anger and deep seated resentments that have been living inside for years.  The friend who screwed you over all those years ago?  Where is that anger?  Well, if you haven’t DEALT with it, which most likely, you HAVE NOT, then it is stuck in your cells, in your liver.  Bring on the epsom salts, baby!  Enema Bags Unite!

According to Chinese medicine, the liver is the seat of anger.  We store anger in our livers.  If I am really honest with myself, which is what I am striving wholeheartedly to be… then I have to say. I am filled to the brim with anger, unresolved resentments, hurts and RAGE!!!   Read my page “The 108 Day High Vibe Challenge” and check out why my first attempt at raw foods and cleansing failed miserably.  I couldn’t deal with all the ANGER and flat out uncomfortable emotions flooding out of me.  I didn’t want to subject my poor children to it!  I have to take it SLOOOOOWWWW….. or else!  Hide the knives, people!  Lock your doors!   Okay, maybe that is a bit extreme, but I am trying to make a point.  I am fucking mad.  I admit it.

This is Day 13. and if you remember correctly I was supposed to do my Liver Cleanse, the actual cleanse part on Day 12, yesterday.  But, between the whole infidelity talk, and family implosion thing, it just didn’t work out.  Ever since I decided to take the pin out of the grenade, my life has been a little “out of sorts”.  So, I finally got my shit together enough to do the cleanse October 31… Halloween Night.  So, between giving out Tootsie Rolls and Reeses, I will be downing epsom salts, doing an enema, and drinking a hideous concoction of olive oil and grapefruit juice.   As far as food goes, this is what my days have looked like.

AM- triple vanilla latte from Starbucks- no water, no MSM, no nothin.  Sip latte until noon.

Noon- a banana, a pear and possibly a half of a bagel with cream cheese

Later- If I am lucky… something raw or minimally cooked that has greens in it.  A salad I have to choke down, or Lentil soup, or a green smoothie.  or a green m&m or two or ten… (maybe I should focus on a different color M&M?  those babies got me into a heap o’ trouble)

Even later- a glass of wine. or two.  

Jeans getting looser. Eye circles Darker. Definitely getting gaunt. Looking a little like a budding concentration camp victim.  MUST EAT! MUST EAT! MUST EAT! 

And exercise this week has been:  shaking my body with wracking sobs, yoga, more body wracking, interval weight training – Not a total flop, eh?

Here is a victory to report!  My meditation practice has been solid.  I am loving it.  It is saving my sanity.  It is the bliss and peace within the madness. 

So, meet back up tomorrow for THE LIVER CLEANSE.  And just a warning: I plan on posting pictures.

Okay, I am taking my own advice….(see previous post, Standing In Truth)…. Here goes….

A month ago, I reconnected with a dear friend of mine on Facebook whom I was best friends with in eighth grade. We were two peas in a pod, inseparable!!! We lost touch over the years but started communicating again via FB. She lives in Florida. She was going in for major surgery and asked if I would come out to Orlando to “be her nurse” for a week and attend to her post-op. I, of course, said YES and two days later, got on a plane to Orlando. We stayed at a very nice resort near to Universal Studios.

While I was there, I made a very strong connection (NO plan to do this, not even in the remote corners of my mind) with a man. After a couple days of getting to know him, with nothing happening, I ended up making love to him three nights in a row and stayed up all night talking about everything under the sun. He is also happily (he says?) married with a young baby. He was almost 10 years my junior. We are NOT in touch.

I HAVE NEVER IN 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO MY HUSBAND!  And all of a sudden, here I was, having to reevaluate EVERYTHING  I  believed… WHO WAS THIS PERSON?  WHO AM I?  All my life, I had negatively judged and even villified “cheaters”. But, here I was. And here was this person- and I didn’t see him as a villain.  and I know I am not a villain. I don’t make excuses or blame others or circumstances. I take full resposibility for my choices and actions.

I came back with the intention of NOT telling my husband as I knew our marriage would be over immediately should I divulge THE TRUTH. The guy in Orlando, along with my friend said, Absolutely DO NOT ruin your marriage and family over a 3 day fling.  Go home, put your poker face on and GET ON WITH IT!  So, that is exactly what I intended to do.

For the past month, I have tried to do just that.  In fact, upon my return, the union with my husband was stronger than ever- the communication was better, the passion was ignited, in many ways we were finally being more REAL with each other….except for the 1000 pound elephant in the room and growing bigger by the day.  It made me look long and hard at the person I AM and the person I see myself becoming.  And in each moment,  I knew that living in deception was not something I could do.  It is not the person I am or can ever be. I may not know everything I am, but I do know what I am not, and I am not A LIAR. I cannot live a lie. PERIOD.

I told my husband the truth in its entirety last night at 3:00 am.  Of course, it is now over, just as I knew it would be. He wants me to leave. I am $8,000 in debt, unemployed and have absolutely NO IDEA what my next step will be.  But, I do know that somehow, someway, Living IN TRUTH, I will make my way. I choose to live in LOVE, not fear.  And I realize, that what happened in Orlando happened for a reason.  I realize at a core level, that control, possessiveness, jealousy, nonacceptance, and expectations ARE NOT LOVE. They can masquerade as LOVE- but they are the polar opposite of true, divine, intimate, love.   Because love is freedom. and I can tell you that while there was plenty beautiful and good in the union of my marriage, there was never freedom- or unconditonal love and acceptance.  and I can’t live with that.

So, suffice it to say… I could use a few cyber hugs.  I realize this may be hard for some of you to give considering the subject. There can be a lot of emotion wrapped around this subject.  So, if you can offer an experience, a morsel of wisdom, empathy, or something of value, I welcome your input.  If not, please just be quiet.  Believe me, I feel badly enough.

Yesterday I ate/drank:

• Tulsi tea with lemon/chamomile
• 20 oz. of  Green juice- dandeliion, kale, cuke, celery, carrot, apple, lemon, ginger
• 2 apples blended with flax, sprouted buckwheat and cinnamon
• 24 oz. of Green Smoothie with Acai, orange, strawberries, banana, bee pollen, kale, spinach, and Sun warrior Rice Protein
• 20 oz. apple juice

Today I consumed:

• Green Smoothie with  Acai, banana, peaches, kale
• Tomato soup with dill
• Big green juice for dinner with lots of beet juice! 

See, I didn’t eat much of anything today.  I really want to incorporate a decent healthy, cooked vegetarian meal in with a  big salad at dinner.   If  I don’t start eating more calories,  my appetite will go out the window.  I hate getting too thin because my face which is already so thin starts to look scary skinny and gaunt which is NOT a good look for me. 

Also, I didn’t work out today.  I had the time, had the intention, just didn’t do it.  I was supposed to do weights today.  Yesterday, I intended to do yoga, but instead just went on a super long power walk with my dogs, with the ipod blaring.  Aim to increase level of exercise and change shitty attitude about it.

I called this post Standing in truth because I have been noticing how much the whole subject/concept of TRUTH is presenting itself in my life.  I always claim I want to be an honest person, but so often I find I really am just totally bullshitting myself and in fact, I bend the truth or simply leave out information so that I can avoid conflict or be cast in a more positive light, or some other thing that I use as an excuse for not being RADICALLY HONEST. 

I am in fact, reading a book right now called,  “Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth” by Brad Blanton.  I have read it cover to cover in 2 days because it is that thought provoking!  It has challenged me to the core!  And everything written in it, I find myself agreeing with 100%!   Here is what it says (this is a summary not quoted verbatim)…. Tell the truth, no matter what, 100%, all the time!  Be radically, blatantly honest in every single interaction in your life!  Because what happens if you lie and keep live in deception?   Over time, it will literally CHANGE  who you are.  You will (not maybe, WILL)  manifest mental illness and even physical disease in your body at some point if you are holding on to deceptions.  It absolutely will show up in your life – maybe as depression, or addiction, or insomnia, or IBS, or whatever…..When you deny the truth of WHO YOU ARE, you are literally giving up your power.  And it is only through complete honesty in life and in all your relationships that you can experience genuine true love and intimacy.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.  So many people wil say, NO!  It is okay to lie sometimes.  Little white lies are actually necessary to function in life.  NO.  It will eat away at you a little at a time.   You will not be experiencing Pure Love or Pure Health or Pure Anything except for Pure Kidding Yourself. 

So, the message of truth is surrounding me- this book, and songs I hear are all speaking about TRUTH in the lyrics.  I did a meditation today and I started feeling pain and blockage in my throat area (the 5th chakra, the throat chakra).  I was seeing this bluish color in my minds eye and sure enough, blue is the color of the throat chakra. Well what about the throat chakra?  I googled it (google is my friend)  to investigate a little further into this throat blockage feeling I was having. 

   Ends up that I was getting a little message.  This is taken from the website www.healing.about.com and here is what it said:  “The throat chakra is our will center.  The healthfulness of the fifth chakra is in relation to how honestly one expresses himself/herself.  Lying violates the body and spirit.  We speak our choices with our voices.  All choices we make in our lives have consequences on an energetic level….. a challenge of the throat chakra is to express ourselves in the most truthful manner.  Speak only truth”. 

How about you?  Are you living in Truth?  Or is there something you have been hanging onto that you feel like you just can’t say or do or be because it may cause conflict and dissension?  Do you have built up resentments that you haven’t dealt with?     Well, what are you waiting for?  Go!  Get them out! and restore peace and truth….for YOURSELF.